The OTHER Land of Summoned Monsters
by Morrigan the Nightmare Queen
Summary: While working on the sixth chapter of 'In the Still of the Night,' this sort of popped up in my mind and I had to get it written down. Basically, it's most of the Summons from FF7 in their break room moaning and complaining. R/R please, PG for language.
1. One Hell of A Day

The OTHER Land of Summoned Monsters  
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Author's Note: While I was at work on 'In the Still of the Night,' my Sephiroth/Aeris fic, the  
intrepid Shrapnil made a comment about how the monsters that are summoned in the game feel about  
being called on constantly. From there, this story practically wrote itself. Thank you.  
Disclaimers: And I saw it/ Black as midnight/ perched upon the chimney flue/ and its hoarsest voice  
was cawing/ "People ain't mine/ Please don't sue."   
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The room was typical of any break room in any large corporate structure. The walls were  
white, the floor was cheap beige carpeting, the chairs and tables were inexpensive and plastic.  
Vending machines lined the walls, and several figures sat in deep conversation, each holding a  
cup of hot nectar.  
" . . . so I'm, like, dude, you are *not* summoning me *again*," Ifrit finished. "I mean,  
I nuked, like, twenty of those mirror-monsters in one room. Y'know?"  
"I know. Shut up." came Shiva's reply. She sipped her steaming mug and glared around at her  
fellow Summons. "And I know a lot more things, too. Namely, how hard it is playing Ice Princess  
among a group of slavering mortal men who want to get into my pants."  
"*What* pants?" Ramuh asked mildly. The other Summons grunted in agreement. Indeed, Shiva  
had never worn anything except a turquoise thong, and it was driving them all crazy.  
Shiva scowled and made a very rude gesture. "Screw you, Thunder-Boy,"  
"You wish."  
"I could've seen that coming," Odin commented as he stroked his horse- Sleipnir's- mane.   
Bahamut glared at the bickering Summons. "If we can all just back out of the nut house and  
rejoin reality!" he said loudly, pounding his fist on the table. Standing, he turned his fire-red  
gaze on each of them in turn. "OK, I know we all have problems with our Mortal Callers. But that's  
the way it is, so DEAL WITH IT!"  
"Lishen ta him!" a very drunk Bahamut-ZERO observed. "Actin' all big'n- HIC!- bad. Whash  
yer problem, Bahee?"  
Bahamut twitched and turned to his inebriated rival. "I'm restoring order," he said calmly,  
if angrily. "Something *you're* obviously not up to, especially since I *am* the King of the  
Summoned Monsters-"  
"Like hell!" Neo-Bahamut cut in. "I'm the King, and don't you forget it!"  
"No, I am!"  
"It's me!"  
"I'm the one, you two-faced scumbag!"  
"Uh-huh, Butterfly Baby?"  
"STOP CALLING ME THAT!"  
"Whassamatta?" Bahamut-ZERO cut in. "Troof is, Bahee, ya look like a big-ash bu'er'fly! An'  
yer conshtipated, ta boot!"  
"AM NOT!"  
Shiva chuckled and reached into her shoulderbag. She produced a sales slip from the  
Wall-Market and handed it around the table.  
"Whoa." Ifrit raised his eyebrows. "Thirty-seven thousand gil for Ex-Lax?"  
The impending riot was interrupted by a burst of music over hidden speakers, playing "Ride  
of the Valkyries."  
"Oh crap," Odin said, getting up and grabbing the Gungnir. "That's my summons." He climbed  
onto Sleipnir's back and disappeared in a burst of lightning.  
"Why do they have to use those dumb themes to let us know we're wanted?" Ramuh wondered.  
"Can't they just call us on cell-phones or something?"  
Bahamut shook his head. "If they used cell-phones we'd all be (a) patting ourselves down to  
find the damn things and (b) trying to ascertain who was being summoned. It'd take forever to just  
identify our different call-signals."  
Shiva shrugged. "I know. But the first few notes of my musicall- "Rhapsody in Blue"- are so  
soft, I *always* get there too late. Last time I showed and everybody except that Vincent guy was  
unconscious!"  
"Bet you would've liked it better if Valentine had been passed out, too," Neo-Bahamut  
commented.  
"Yeah," Shiva said dreamily, leaning back in her chair. "Boy, those eyes . . . that hair .  
. ." Suddenly, she sat straight up. "Hey, are you insinuating something?"  
"Oh, no!" Neo-Bahamut said in mock horror. "Never! Just the fact that you're an  
extra-dimensional Ice Spirit with the hots for a dead guy whose genetics are so f*cked up that if  
you cloned him you'd get four different people."  
Shiva was very fast with a ceramic mug. Neo-Bahamut rubbed his aching head. "Geez, don't  
lose your temper or anything," he muttered.  
"I won't!" Shiva snapped, grabbing a fresh cup of nectar from one of the vending machines.   
At that moment, Odin reappeared. He grinned triumphantly and shook his mighty spear, the  
Gungnir, over his head. "Success!" he proclaimed. "I kicked that Behemoth's purple butt!"  
"Oh big deal," Ifrit grumbled. "A Behemoth. Biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiig challenge."  
"What would you know?" Odin snarled. "You do about 1.1 K of damage, that's *it*! Have you  
ever seen real combat, boy?"  
"As a matter of fact, I have!" Ifrit retorted. "Mortal Caller Cloud summoned me against a  
Float-Eye once!"  
For some reason, Ifrit couldn't understand why everybody howled with laughter at this  
statement. "A- Float- Eye!" Bahamut choked. "A- f*cking- Float- Eye!"  
"Is there a problem?" Ifrit demanded.  
Ramuh managed to stop howling first. "Ifrit," he said, still giggling slightly, "Float-Eyes  
only have about ten thousand hit points!"  
"So?"  
"So that is one of the shittiest monsters that you can fight!"  
"Oh." Ifrit looked crestfallen.  
Shiva was snickering evilly when a few soft notes played through hidden speakers.  
"Crap, that's my call!" A miniature snowstorm whipped up out of nowhere, and Shiva  
disappeared from the break room.  
"I wish she wouldn't do that," Bahamut commented as he picked shards of ice out of the  
cracks in his scales.  
In about thirty seconds, Shiva reappeared. "It's hell down there," she announced. "They're  
fighting Safer Sephiroth and he's whipping their asses. We can expect to be Summoned sooner rather  
than later. Man, what a day for Phoenix to call in sick!"  
  
Author's Note: OK, that was peculiar. It was really just most of the Summoned Monsters in FFVII in  
their break room, moaning and complaining. I wasn't sure what note to end it on, so it's end is  
sort of abrupt. Should I keep goin'? E-mail me at heretica13@yahoo.com if you have any suggestions  
for the next chapter. 


	2. Is That A Broadsword, Or Are You Just Ha...

The Other Land of Summoned Monsters, Part II  
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Author's Note: This is another little story from the Break Room of Summoned Monsters. It is not, repeat NOT, a continuation of the previous tale. It's just another day for the monsters.  
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It was another boring day in the break room, and the Summons were talking about death- a concept they were all acquainted with.  
"Where I come from," Odin was saying, "I am the All-Father, the greatest of the gods. People who die pass on to Hel's realm, in Niffleheim, the realm of the dead, but those who fight bravely are rewarded with eternal life in Valhalla."  
"So what you're saying," Shiva interrupted, "Is that the brave guys go to heaven and the weenies go to hell. Sounds good to me. That's life, really- you win some, you lose some."  
"I disagree," Ifrit interjected. "I don't think there's any sort of afterlife at all. You just die, and that's it."  
"So everything goes down the drain?" Bahamut rumbled.  
Ifrit nodded. "Basically."  
"Let's ask Hades," Phoenix said. "He *is* the Lord of the Dead, after all."  
Everbody turned to look at their robed comrade, who was sitting at the table with his cauldron.  
"Everything is destined for destruction." he said, his raspy voice cutting through them like a knife. He raised up a small brown object so they could see it. "Even this doughnut."  
Ten seconds later, the Grim Reaper was licking chocolate frosting off his bone fingers. "Finality has been appeased."  
"Was that cream-filled?" Ifrit asked, leaning forward to get a look at the crumbs on the table. "Damn, you *know* I like the cream-filled ones!"  
"I prefer those with jelly, myself," Hades replied.  
"Eeeeeuuuugggggggghhhhhhhh!" Shiva gagged. "Why do you like *those*? They taste like old rubber!"  
"Well, I *am* the Lord of Death and Embodiment of Evil," Hades said, shrugging his skeletonized shoulders. "Jelly doughnuts are evil- therefore, I like them. I also like asparagus, 'environmentally friendly' cars, those hard-to-open aspirin bottles, tofu, and the People for Ethical Treatment of Animals."  
"What about Britney Spears?" Bahamut-ZERO asked, fearing the answer.  
"Second cousin, once removed."  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"  
Shiva swatted Bahamut-ZERO with a thick book. "Quiet, you!"  
Bahamut-ZERO caught the book. "What the hell- 'Ruttiger's 3rd Level Biology'? Why do you have a biology textbook, Sheev?"  
"The name's SHIVA!" the ice spirit retorted, snatching the book back. "And as for why I have this, the answer is simple: nobody summons me anymore. Since the Mortal Callers got stuff like Typhon, I'm out of fashion. Not powerful enough. Therefore, I'm filling up my extra time by taking classes at the college."  
"What college?" Ramuh asked. "We spend all our time in this break room. There's no college around here."  
Shiva smacked him one. "There's things outside of this room, doofus. There's the college in Nurieka, capital city of the Land of Summoned Monsters. It's only half an hour on the Doom Train from here to there. Miss Rydia lets me attend classes for free, in exchange for handling the local day-care center once a week."  
"Who's Miss Rydia?"  
The ice spirit grinned. "Miss Rydia is the dean of the college. Technically, she's a Mortal Caller, but she lives in the Land along with the rest of the Summons. That's why she's opened the college- she says that Summons have just as much right to be educated as any Human."  
"Yeah, right." Neo-Bahamut said, rolling his eyes. "What's a Summon gonna do with an education, anyway? We're nameless, personality-less monsters! We don't even have *last names*!"  
Shiva gave them an evil smile. "That's what you think. I called Square the other day, and I got-"  
"What?" Ifrit interrupted. "The boot?"  
The smile grew wider. "Nope. A contract for Final Fantasy XII. As a main character."  
"WHAAAAAT?" the other Summons yelled.  
"Read my lips, people. As soon as I get out of college, I'm gonna be a playable persona in FFXII." She waved a piece of paper at them. "Here's the quick intro they gave me."  
The Summons were quiet as they read the words on the paper. Then, Ramuh broke the silence. "Shit! Shit, shit, shit! It's not fair!"  
"What's not fair?"  
"Look at this paper," Ramuh said furiously. "Look at it. According to this, the character of Shyv Nanashi is a martial artist specializing in Ice spells. Of course, that's just the surface. Later, the rest of the group finds out that her mother was human, but her father was a Summon- *me*! They made *me* out to be *YOUR* father!"  
"Life sucks. Get a fucking helmet." Shiva replied philosophically.  
"Have you been listening to Dennis Leary again?"  
"So what if I have?"  
"You are so going down, Ice Bitch-"  
The impending argument was interrupted by a burst of music (The 1812 Overture, to be precise) as the break room suddenly got a lot more crowded. Shiva and Ramuh calmed down considerably. Or rather, Shiva turned a very peculiar shade of pinkish-red and hid the textbook behind her back.  
"Hey, Artie," Bahamut-ZERO greeted the new arrival[s].  
King Arther dropped his helm on the table, revealing a face that looked like Squall with Sephiroth's hair color and eyes.  
"'lo," he said, dropping heavily into a chair. "I swear- forget what they went through to get it, if those idiots Summon me and my Knights against a Magic Pot that they haven't given an Elixir to ONE MORE TIME, I'm going to take Kisaragi's Twin Viper, socket a Mastered Bolt materia in it, and ram it crossways up a place where that gay bastard Strife wouldn't even enjoy it."  
"Strife ain't gay," Ifrit interjected. "He's just weird."   
"Same dif."  
"Trust me, it isn't."  
The King dropped his huge broadsword on the table and grabbed a cup of nectar from the nearby vending machine. "Godammit, I-" he began, when the 1812 Overture once again summoned the Summons. "Oh, *crap*!"  
The Knights vanished as quickly as they had come.   
"Um . . ." Shiva whispered. "He kinda left his sword behind."  
  
Whaddaya think? If I get nice reviews, I'll write more. If I get nasty reviews . . . well, let's just say that the Summons like these stories a LOT, and they know where you live. 


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